Insight and Grumpiness

Day 2 of the fast. Not that I'm obsessed or anything, but my whole day yesterday was taken up with the unpleasantness of it all and how rough I was feeling.  I felt like I was getting a cold, had a low level headache, my eyes felt a bit bunged up and I couldn't seem to focus on anything for long. I spent most of the day mooning about, sleeping, and being grumpy, though I did manage a dance practise session in the evening. Sid suggested that as a special treat we could have a hot Marmite drink as that didn't have many calories...and that tasted fantastic! Felt much more cheerful after that! The rest of the time I survived on mint tea, some foul-rainwater-like oriental tea called Puer Er (that's meant to aid diets), and water. It's also interesting to note how I was feeling, that there were moments of panic where I thought I could be damaging myself. I have this theory that my body does have a mind of it's own and often wins arguments about what I eat and how much. When I had my hip and back problem I found myself crying for no apparent reason except that when I looked closely at it, it was as if my body was getting distressed about the damage that was happening to it. I'm guessing that the higher part of me is the one that can control the body, but the body has a very loud voice, and can shout the higher (or quieter) voice down, like a child that wants to get it's own way. If you listen to that higher voice it's the one that tells you when you've really had enough to eat, but it's the body mind that says it wants that extra slice of cake! So the difficult choice is which one to listen to!
Today I do feel a lot better, so I'm hoping it will be easier, but my intention was to kick-start a diet, not completely starve myself for a long period, so I may decide to eat something later. The good news is that I've already lost 4 pounds (in weight!!LOL!), though I realise that this was hard won and in any case it will level off when I start eating again. The best thing is to stay occupied so I don't get time to brood- need to keep the body mind out of mischief!

Off for a refreshing cup of Puer Er (not!!)...urrgh!

Fast-Forward!

Well, today is day one of the two day fast Sid and I are embarking on. I'm a bit nervous but am determined to give it a go as I really do need to kick start my efforts to lose some weight. Yesterday we kind-of semi-started the fast by missing out our midday meal and I didn't have any caffeine after about 11.00am, so was begginning to get a headache by the evening. There are several reasons for doing the fast, but I do think the universe was giving us both a hint when a book on fasting fell out of the bookcase while Sid was searching for something else! Apparently it can help with the symptoms of arthritis, and has helped lots of people to recover from various illnesses. Historically we would have had periods of naturally occurring fasting when food was scarce, which allowed our bodies to recover and heal themselves more efficiently. Animals also fast to recover from illness, and I guess we've just forgotten it's importance. Overloading your system with food and various stimulants means the body never gets a chance to cope properly with illness, plus many modern foods and drinks are full of fat, sugar and chemicals that are bad for us. I love my chocolate and cups of tea like lots of us, but recently have been feeling a bit 'overloaded'- my knees are complaining more than usual, I'm struggling to get upstairs, and I seem to be developing intolerance to various things I've previously been fine with- like commerically produced wheat, cows milk, cheese, and weirdly- feathers! I've also put on weight and this has affected my dancing, not to mention that I'm bursting out of my clothes and dance costumes! All in all this doesn't feel very good so reluctantly I've decided I need to develop a diet I can stick to for a long period, and up the exercise. About 3 years ago I got up to 13 stone which felt uncomfortable, so I changed my eating habits so I didn't have any 'messes' at home-no biscuits, cakes, chocolate, crisps, coke etc, but allowed myself treats when I went out (which was once a week at the most), and over 18 months I lost a stone. I wanted to lose it gradually so I didn't end up with lots of floppy bits, and felt really pleased with myself that I managed it! BUT I need to do that all over again, and the fast is just a way to kick start me off. Mind you, there's a serious chance I might fall off the wagon as soon as I've got on it, as I'm due to see my cake-making sister on Thursday....so that will be an interesting test!  But Sid is very enthusiastic about it all. He's very health conscious, and as we are vegetarians he has to be very creative with cooking to ensure we get all the vitamins, minerals and nutrients we need from our food. We do eat a very interesting diet- especially if Sid  is experimenting with his latest discovery- which currently is fermented foods. Not so keen on those but am trying some of them as I know they are good for you.
So, I'm trying to occupy myself with various jobs that are overdue, just to take my mind off food!! But I am enjoying a cup of Chocolate Mint tea- it's an actual strain of mint that really smells of chocolate- like drinking an After Eight Mint! I read somewhere that smelling certain things like chocolate sets off pleasure signals in the brain so I'm hoping this will satisfy my cravings for a while!
Wish me luck....just another day and a half to go!

Ups and Downs

Today is a better day-especially as it is one in which I have earned some money! In fact I earned some money last night doing a play workshop for a college in Oxford, so it's been a good weekend so far.... The workshop last night was the return visit as I did a workshop for them last year. An old friend who knew about my clowning reccomended me to them for their annual conference. The organisation is the Guild of Pastoral Studies and Psychology, so most of the participants were either vicars, priests, rabbi's, nuns, academics and psychologists!! And I loved the idea of getting them playing together!Anyway, I persuaded Sid to come with me as assistant and we did lots of activities and games, mostly from my clowning days...and they seemed to have a great time! My favourite moment of the evening was seeing a nun in full habit pretending to be a balloon!! It inspires me to do more....
We were both tired today, but I had a performance at Welford Village Fete with Dee from Miramar (everyone else was either on holiday or otherwise engaged). It went surprisingly well considering the set up and weather! It was alternately wet and sunny beforehand and we had to dance on a raised grassy area right next to a busy road, but nevertheless we had a healthy number in our audience and an enthusiastic response to the dancing. We went away happy- and a little bit better off!
BUT the BIG problem I have at the moment is the computer. It has had problems for the last 3 weeks and 2 weeks ago simply refused to be switched on at all. Despite Sid's best efforts (and he's very tenacious and a perfectionist so I know he's put a lot of work into it), he couldn't solve the problem. So friend Mel who works in IT is currently looking to see if he can solve it. It's quite an old computer so I'm worried it could be serious- and possibly expensive to sort out. But the biggest problem is that I can't get into any of my files, fliers, photos and emails database, so can't send out any advertising or promo stuff for classes or the souk. This has serious consequences as I do most of my admin and promo work on it, but I'm trying to not be too pessimistic just yet until I get a final verdict from Mel....
Another worry is that I've put on rather a lot of weight recently. I'm not too worried about being a buxom lass- it kind of goes with the territory, but I'm bulging out of my bras and everything is feeling rather tight- plus my knees are complaining more than usual when I dance or try to go upstairs. I know it sounds like an excuse, but after a couple of weeks of resting after the end of the term I suddenly developed my back and hip problem so I could barely move for almost three more weeks, and during that time I had no choice but to sit around and of course eat more than I should have. Urrgh! So Sid and I have been talking about going on a fast- to tell the truth I'm a bit nervous about it, but I really do need to do something. Don't think I could manage more than a day or two at a time, but we'll give it a try. But I do still need to get back to eating less and exercising more.
However, it's also meant to be holiday time, so am determined to do some enjoyable things too and try not to worry too much. 
But, it's tea time now, so my caffeine fix is calling me...see yous all later!

Grumpy Slumping kind-of day!

Feels like another 'down' day today- but it's partly reactive, as the weather is very dull and overcast which does affect my mood, plus my 'silver' apostle spoons turned out to be electro plated and worth about £7 as opposed to £170! Gah!
Busking on Sunday was enjoyable again but earned me even less than last time! Not sure I'll be doing it again anytime soon, but I have learnt a lot and discovered that I do really still enjoy performing if I don't have any stress around it. I had some lovely compliments- including a proposition by email!!Lita and Roy Aylmer happened to come by and as Roy had his camera he took some great photos of me- so that was a bonus.
Yesterday turned out to be a little bit busy with a visit to my lovely homeopath in the morning, and short promo performance at Lifeways for an open day for Parkinson's sufferers in the afternoon. But the best part of the day was seeing my friend C looking so well when I went to visit her afterwards. She has been having radiotherapy and I've been going over regularly to give moral support and give her some Reiki. It's been doubly good because not only do I get to see my pal more regularly, but it's feeling really great to be using Reiki for something purposeful and other than for myself. You can't predict where the Reiki will go or what effect it will have, but it's benevolent and lovely and it feels great to be using it to help someone.
But today is feeling like another 'stuck' day. The homeopath has given me a kick-up-the-bum remedy which I  am currently taking so I'm hoping for an improvement tomorrow. Sid and I reserved these next two weeks as 'holiday' time with a plan to do a few things together, and although that's usually a good thing, I don't feel like doing anything today and would rather slump grumpily on the sofa and wait for my bad mood to pass. But having Sid around means I can't do that for long...grrrr. Words could be exchanged later.....! Just leave me alone to slink off into the corner and feel sorry for myself! Sometimes you just have to go with the feeling , knowing it will pass eventually. But it's not permanent, so don't worry folks. Just being my usual melodramatic self!
Time to exit stage left I think..........

Subtle Shifting...

Am now having serious problems with my computer! I'm writing this using Sid's computer as he is out playing Robin Hood (and no it hasn't got soo bad that he's stealing from the rich to give to the poor -us!!It's archery in case you wondered). Sid has tried all sorts of tricks to get the computer going to no avail, and he's very tenacious, so sadly this probably means some official repairs are needed. As I use my computer so much for work this has serious implications as I can't access all my photos, fliers or email addresses. I am managing some basic word processing on Sid's computer but for anything more complicated I'm stuck! So am waiting for Mel to get back off holiday for him to have a look before taking any further action.
A very good piece of news is that I sold my Clarice Cliffe sugar shaker for a very good sum yesterday! I was sorry to see it go but in truth it had been sitting gathering dust in the china cabinet for years- and I need the dosh! Excited by the experience Sid and I have now been feverishly scouring the house or further hidden treasures. I have feeling that that was probably one of very few items of any value but you never know...I've got various odds and ends I inherited when my parents died, and even if they only fetch a few quid then it all helps. I also feel as if it's a gesture towards clearing the house of junk with a view to eventually downsizing in the next few years.
I've also been scouring the papers for any likely jobs with no success, either, but at least I'm showing willing by putting some energy into it. After feeling so down the other day I sent some Reiki to the situation and also did a bit of 'left hand/stream of conciousness/automatic' writing too, and it feels as if something has subtlely shifted. Must not lose momentum- need to fit some more in. Discipline needed!
I've also decided to give the busking another go. This time I have just two half hour spots and one is in Henley Street (prime spot!). It's also a Sunday this time, so all I need now to help me is the weather and many generous appreciative people!
Could waffle on for longer, but time is getting on and I need to go and buy a birthday card and do some preparation for the radio show today, so will wave goodbye until the next time.....Toodle Pip Boys and Girls!

Struggling with myself....

Am having very difficult day today- or rather it has been so far-there is still time for it to improve! I've been having problems with my computer refusing to open or opening and then crashing and though Sid has spent quite a lot of time on it he says he is running out of options. This probably means sending it to computer hospital, which has all sorts of implications that don't bear thinking about. So, earlier, trying not to be daunted, I got together my china pieces to sell, along with some jewellery samples to show a shop in Stratford (also to meet Peter re some radio show stuff) and set off in the car. Coming out of the drive the car made a ghastly noise and seemed to list to the right.I drew into the next turning opposite the house  and discovered that I had a completely flat front tyre. So flat, in fact that I couldn't get it pumped up with my footpump. Had to throw myself on the mercies of our marvellous and trusty repair man, Tim, and he agreed to come out and take a look at it ASAP. So that put paid to my trip to Stratford, at least for today! So I now have the prospect of no computer and a possible bill to repair it, and no car and a possible bill for that too...and to add insult to injury (yes, really- INJURY!), my hip and back seems a bit worse again today (probably due to the short walk we did yesterday).Unsurprisingly I am feeling very down and fed up. I feel as if every attempt I make to try and improve things/earn money/get a job, is being thwarted at every turn! I'm feeling a bit trapped and don't know which way to go.
The computer has all my files on it not to mention all my email contacts, and although I can do a limited amount on Sid's laptop, it means I can't organise or prepare anything for classes or the souk- it could be very serious if I can't get it fixed pronto. BUT I just don't have any money to pay for any of this!
Just before I started writing I read my previous blog and I reckon I should be listening to myself more- I was writing about the need for change and how it should start with yourself. I'm not taking my own advice! Peter reckons that I'm due for a kind of spiritual 'clearout', and I'm inclined to agree. I feel as if I'm being backed into a corner so I have no choice but to go within and consult with my higher self. I do have a sense of having to let go of certain ways of doing things, and needing to change my mind set...but that can be very hard. But it doesn't look as if I have any choice!
All I can say for now is....watch this space!

Time for Change?

Felt really emotional all day yesterday and for anyone who knows me that's not a good thing! I'm a bit of a drama queen and can get a bit OTT and dramatic, and tiredness just amplifies it. But, although I'm feeling a lot more centred and calm today, the problems are still there. The trick is how I decide to deal with them.
I do take the view that I (and anyone else) am capable of changing my world simply by thinking it into being, but we all have so many inbuilt or learned behaviours that it can be very hard to work out how we are sabotageing ourselves or preventing ourselves from fulfilling our greatest potential! I know I have potential power, but am trying to wrestle with the reasons I'm not allowing it into being. I think we British have such inbuilt reserve that we feel we can't allow our true power out in case we are seen as brash, or boastful or unpopular etc...or is that just me?!! BUT we can be powerful, it's just how we manifest it in the world- we've all met those who use power badly and harm others in the process, but we don't have to follow those models or fear we will make the same mistakes! I try to refer back to my inner guide or higher self, (although that can be quite tricky as sometimes it whispers very quietly!), and if I truly act on that inner message, I can be powerful and centred in a way that has integrity and truth in it. But I make mistakes, and sometimes my ego gets in the way and insists I do what IT wants- I'm learning like everyone else! I believe though, that we now have the opportunity to change the old ways of doing things, and learn new behaviour. 2012 is a pointer to the potential for changing the world and discarding the old systems and ways of behaving that we humans have been involved in for millennia. It seems to me that the message is that the old ways aren't working anymore, and in fact are having an adverse effect on ourselves and the world...and the best place to start change is yourself!

My Busking Experience

Am sooo tired after yesterday's activities that I suspect it is affecting me emotionally. I am feeling quite depressed and low and very worried about my financial situation.
But back to the busking experience....I decided to wear a galabeya, as it didn't reveal too much and was comfortable to dance in, and after changing at Peter's house I walked down with my trusty purple trolley containing the amp, CD player and various props, CD's and my lunch. I set up at the first spot and after playing a bit of incidental musc to attract attention, I just launched into my first set. I'd created CD's each with four tracks of different types including some veil dances and zils.I decided to improvise as that's what I prefer and it's more flexible. It's pretty hard dancing out doors as I don't feel very centred, so concentrated in dancing to please myself, though I did have a little gentle fun with a few people- like the little 2 year old who tried to copy me, the students who wanted a photo for their project, and a good natured slightly merry guy whose friend took a picture of him joining in! A lot of little girls were fascinated with what I was doing and I earna few pennies from them! After a couple of 20 mins sets I had a short break to eat my sarnies and then set up at another designated spot. This place was a bit more exposed and very breezy so although I had a dismal attempt to perform with a veil, I then concentrated on zils and prop-less performance. When the wind died down a bit I risked using my fan veils and this got a lot of interested attention. By this point I was getting very tired but was bouyed up by the jovial response of the passers by, and had a number of boisterous teenagers and a game biker joining it for a while! After I'd packed up and was ready to go, one older lady called me over and said I should go on Britains Got Talent (bless her!), and also said I was better than the dancers she'd seen in Turkey- so that's where I'm going wrong.....obviously I should be over there earning a living...would be very nice! Was suddenly soo tired I could hardly put one foot in front of the other, but managed to drag myself and my stiff and swollen knees back to Peter's house.  Amazingly I hardly felt the hip and back problem or noticed the tiredness until the end, think the adrenaline kept me going! But I also was suprised how much I enjoyed improvising in front of the public again...it's been a while, and after being incapable for so long it felt really good to be moving again. BUT the big down side is that it was an awful lot of work for so little money. I made the grand total of £11.36 for about an hour and 20 mins of solid dancing- not a very good return! And that isn't counting the petrol and the time it took to prepare. AND I discovered when I got back that someone had nicked one of my BDSS CD's that had been lying next to the amp while I was performing... that certainly left a bad taste, and I felt really cross about that! So, I'm pretty ambivalent about doing it again. Maybe a different day and performance spot would make a difference, but there's no denying it's a hard way to earn a living. Restaurant work is also hard but not as tiring as this was- and it's better paid - perhaps I should consider that again? Feeling very confused and not a little bit demoralised - and still penniless!

Hip, hip hooray!

I'm feeling quite perky at the moment, and much of it is due to the fact that my hip/back has improved a lot, to the extent where I have committed myself to doing some busking this saturday! But more of that later....
The hip and back have improved steadily so now I can lie flat and even get a reasonable sleep at night. It still complains if I overuse it, but mostly in the evenings. I was trying a bit of dancing tentatively yesterday and I realised how much I'd missed being able to dance...that it felt really good! But the enforced rest has given me time for some contemplation, as well as some creative jobs that I don't often have time for, so it's not all bad! I've been thinking for some time that I'd like to explore the spiritual side of Belly Dance, and am drawn to researching and playing with the symbolic shapes that we do as dance moves, with the aim of self realisation and healing. Not sure if that will just remain as an interesting side line or grow into something more substantial, we'll see.
The job hunting is not producing any results so far, I'm sorry to report. I didn't get the full time job I applied for- didn't even get an interview and I reckon I was fairly well qualified for it, too, so it just shows how things are at the moment. They decided so quickly that I wonder if it was really an inside job, and they only advertised it because they are legally obliged to. Hmpf! Their loss!! So, am back to relying on my own resources again and have been touting my jewellery around a number of local shops hoping they might take some on a sale or return basis. It's not a get-rich-quick scheme but at least it will bring a steady trickle of cash in- I hope!
I've almost given up on selling my table as I'm not prepared to let it go for peanuts, and dining tables are just not very popular at the moment, I've been told. Have now moved to examining the antique china I inherited with a view to selling some of that. I must admit to being continously mildy anxious about it getting damaged and don't anyway have the same emotional attachment to it I once had- so one or two of the most choice pieces may have to go...unless there's no interest in china either!
The busking I mentioned earlier is another attempt at earning some money, and also has the added benefit of advertising myself and my classes to the ladies of Stratford. I don't get too nervous about performing in public or out of doors normally, but then it's usually with one of the two troupes, but doing it solo is another kettle of fish altogether! But I'm willing to give it a try. I must admit to not being very impressed with a couple of buskers I saw there the other day- they were meant to be 'living statues' in period costume, but they hardly stood still for more than a few minutes at a time, and mostly just posed for photographs with members of the public! Where is the skill in that?! There are, of course quite a few talented performers around, and as Stratford has an organised scheme they all get a fair chance at the best spots available around the town. I'll be at the amphitheatre on the Bancroft Gardens, and opposite the Encore pub on Waterside doing half hour spots between 12-3.00. I think it may be the Bulldog Bash this weekend, so I might be performing to gangs of bikers....eeek!
One of the reasons I'm feeling much better is a meditation I did with Peter. He has been teaching meditation for a long time, and has developed his own meditations working with earth energies. The meditation we did involved some visualisation which I really like, and it left me feeling much more confident, and feeling like knots had been loosened! I am currently trying persuade him to put these on DVD or CD so lots of people could benefit, but as he's trying to get a website up and running it could take some time.....but if any of you are interested, he runs regular clases in Stratford.
Right, almost time for tea, so I must sign off for now. Wish me luck for saturday!

Getting better, and other related stuff....

Just a leetle teensy weeny blogette as there are things to be done and Sid will be home and hungry soon!
The hip/back thingy turned a corner rather abruptly around Wednesday, I'm delighted to report! Think it may have been a combination of Bowen, Reiki and Activated Chi treatment that did the trick! Still getting some pain and numbness but it's a lot better and I can take weight on the leg and even managed a few tentative belly dance moves! Didn't run Wednesday's class as I only had two students and anyway am being cautious about my body. Still got a way to go yet so no busking this weekend either, I think!
However, am off to Brum tomorrow to take the stall to a craft fair, so am hoping to sell plenty of stock- have been making few more items like fascinators, veils and gauntlets.
Sid persuaded me to weigh myself today - and I immediately regretted it! I've been trying to ignore the fact that I'd obviously put on some weight, although in my defence I haven't been able to exercise as much as usual over the last couple of weeks! But I'm horrified at how much the weight has crept back on so will be doing some more severe cutting down of messes for the time being! I lost about a stone a few years ago by simply cutting out 'naughties' at home and only occaisionally having treats when out, and I did it very slowly over 18 months cos I had visions of lots of flappy bits if I did it too quickly! Not looking forward to doing it for so long again but needs must etc!
OK, have just realised that this blog is now getting FAR too large as well (!), and the time is getting on so will sign off for now. Toodle Pip old chaps!

Hip & Bum continued....

Just a word of warning...the hip and bum situation is uppermost, so if you are bored at listening to someone moan about their back problems....switch off now! You have been warned!
Although the anti-inflammatories have helped a bit, I am still in pain and (surprise surprise!) the exercises are not shifting it. I am now convinced that the sciatic nerve is trapped or being pinched and that it really needs a good old poke and prod to release it. I don't have pins and needles any more, but this has now been replaced by a slight numbness and I also seemed to have developed swollen ankles last night because I'm not moving around enough! I'm wondering if my knee injury in Feb has somehow affected my pelvis and this has had a knock on effect. Am getting quite upset and frustrated as this is affecting my ability to dance and teach, and that is potentially very serious! Anyway, Peter has kindly agreed to give me some Activated Chi treatment and my dear pal Claire has also given me a little Bowen Technique, so I am optimistic that will all help, at least for the time being, anyway Thank goodness I don't have my full workload of teaching at the moment. I do, however, have a drop in class arranged for tomorrow night and I'm gingerly trying out the moves I had planned to see if it's at all feasible to go ahead. Last week I only had 2 students which didn't cover the cost of the hall so I'm concerned that I might be making my hip worse for so little income. As to the busking....I didn't attempt it last week and unless there are some dramatic changes I won't be up to it this weekend either.

Last Sundays Tea Party went really well and we had a very good turnout. Think it may have been a lucky combination of sunny weather, therapies and free cake! But all bouyed up by it's success we are contemplating hosting another in the autumn. This coming Saturday I am doing a Craft Fair in Brum- don't very often do them as most of my jewellery is very belly dance orientated, but I've recently been trying to make stuff that is more mainstream. This Sat is a vintage and craft fair so I'm hoping that my rather specialised stock will appeal to the (rather specialised!) clientile, and that I make some money!

The back problem has me feeling very unmotivated as just about everything I have or want to do requires some mobility, maybe I'll have to resort to sewing and jewellery making for the moment.