Insight and Grumpiness

Day 2 of the fast. Not that I'm obsessed or anything, but my whole day yesterday was taken up with the unpleasantness of it all and how rough I was feeling.  I felt like I was getting a cold, had a low level headache, my eyes felt a bit bunged up and I couldn't seem to focus on anything for long. I spent most of the day mooning about, sleeping, and being grumpy, though I did manage a dance practise session in the evening. Sid suggested that as a special treat we could have a hot Marmite drink as that didn't have many calories...and that tasted fantastic! Felt much more cheerful after that! The rest of the time I survived on mint tea, some foul-rainwater-like oriental tea called Puer Er (that's meant to aid diets), and water. It's also interesting to note how I was feeling, that there were moments of panic where I thought I could be damaging myself. I have this theory that my body does have a mind of it's own and often wins arguments about what I eat and how much. When I had my hip and back problem I found myself crying for no apparent reason except that when I looked closely at it, it was as if my body was getting distressed about the damage that was happening to it. I'm guessing that the higher part of me is the one that can control the body, but the body has a very loud voice, and can shout the higher (or quieter) voice down, like a child that wants to get it's own way. If you listen to that higher voice it's the one that tells you when you've really had enough to eat, but it's the body mind that says it wants that extra slice of cake! So the difficult choice is which one to listen to!
Today I do feel a lot better, so I'm hoping it will be easier, but my intention was to kick-start a diet, not completely starve myself for a long period, so I may decide to eat something later. The good news is that I've already lost 4 pounds (in weight!!LOL!), though I realise that this was hard won and in any case it will level off when I start eating again. The best thing is to stay occupied so I don't get time to brood- need to keep the body mind out of mischief!

Off for a refreshing cup of Puer Er (not!!)...urrgh!

Fast-Forward!

Well, today is day one of the two day fast Sid and I are embarking on. I'm a bit nervous but am determined to give it a go as I really do need to kick start my efforts to lose some weight. Yesterday we kind-of semi-started the fast by missing out our midday meal and I didn't have any caffeine after about 11.00am, so was begginning to get a headache by the evening. There are several reasons for doing the fast, but I do think the universe was giving us both a hint when a book on fasting fell out of the bookcase while Sid was searching for something else! Apparently it can help with the symptoms of arthritis, and has helped lots of people to recover from various illnesses. Historically we would have had periods of naturally occurring fasting when food was scarce, which allowed our bodies to recover and heal themselves more efficiently. Animals also fast to recover from illness, and I guess we've just forgotten it's importance. Overloading your system with food and various stimulants means the body never gets a chance to cope properly with illness, plus many modern foods and drinks are full of fat, sugar and chemicals that are bad for us. I love my chocolate and cups of tea like lots of us, but recently have been feeling a bit 'overloaded'- my knees are complaining more than usual, I'm struggling to get upstairs, and I seem to be developing intolerance to various things I've previously been fine with- like commerically produced wheat, cows milk, cheese, and weirdly- feathers! I've also put on weight and this has affected my dancing, not to mention that I'm bursting out of my clothes and dance costumes! All in all this doesn't feel very good so reluctantly I've decided I need to develop a diet I can stick to for a long period, and up the exercise. About 3 years ago I got up to 13 stone which felt uncomfortable, so I changed my eating habits so I didn't have any 'messes' at home-no biscuits, cakes, chocolate, crisps, coke etc, but allowed myself treats when I went out (which was once a week at the most), and over 18 months I lost a stone. I wanted to lose it gradually so I didn't end up with lots of floppy bits, and felt really pleased with myself that I managed it! BUT I need to do that all over again, and the fast is just a way to kick start me off. Mind you, there's a serious chance I might fall off the wagon as soon as I've got on it, as I'm due to see my cake-making sister on Thursday....so that will be an interesting test!  But Sid is very enthusiastic about it all. He's very health conscious, and as we are vegetarians he has to be very creative with cooking to ensure we get all the vitamins, minerals and nutrients we need from our food. We do eat a very interesting diet- especially if Sid  is experimenting with his latest discovery- which currently is fermented foods. Not so keen on those but am trying some of them as I know they are good for you.
So, I'm trying to occupy myself with various jobs that are overdue, just to take my mind off food!! But I am enjoying a cup of Chocolate Mint tea- it's an actual strain of mint that really smells of chocolate- like drinking an After Eight Mint! I read somewhere that smelling certain things like chocolate sets off pleasure signals in the brain so I'm hoping this will satisfy my cravings for a while!
Wish me luck....just another day and a half to go!

Ups and Downs

Today is a better day-especially as it is one in which I have earned some money! In fact I earned some money last night doing a play workshop for a college in Oxford, so it's been a good weekend so far.... The workshop last night was the return visit as I did a workshop for them last year. An old friend who knew about my clowning reccomended me to them for their annual conference. The organisation is the Guild of Pastoral Studies and Psychology, so most of the participants were either vicars, priests, rabbi's, nuns, academics and psychologists!! And I loved the idea of getting them playing together!Anyway, I persuaded Sid to come with me as assistant and we did lots of activities and games, mostly from my clowning days...and they seemed to have a great time! My favourite moment of the evening was seeing a nun in full habit pretending to be a balloon!! It inspires me to do more....
We were both tired today, but I had a performance at Welford Village Fete with Dee from Miramar (everyone else was either on holiday or otherwise engaged). It went surprisingly well considering the set up and weather! It was alternately wet and sunny beforehand and we had to dance on a raised grassy area right next to a busy road, but nevertheless we had a healthy number in our audience and an enthusiastic response to the dancing. We went away happy- and a little bit better off!
BUT the BIG problem I have at the moment is the computer. It has had problems for the last 3 weeks and 2 weeks ago simply refused to be switched on at all. Despite Sid's best efforts (and he's very tenacious and a perfectionist so I know he's put a lot of work into it), he couldn't solve the problem. So friend Mel who works in IT is currently looking to see if he can solve it. It's quite an old computer so I'm worried it could be serious- and possibly expensive to sort out. But the biggest problem is that I can't get into any of my files, fliers, photos and emails database, so can't send out any advertising or promo stuff for classes or the souk. This has serious consequences as I do most of my admin and promo work on it, but I'm trying to not be too pessimistic just yet until I get a final verdict from Mel....
Another worry is that I've put on rather a lot of weight recently. I'm not too worried about being a buxom lass- it kind of goes with the territory, but I'm bulging out of my bras and everything is feeling rather tight- plus my knees are complaining more than usual when I dance or try to go upstairs. I know it sounds like an excuse, but after a couple of weeks of resting after the end of the term I suddenly developed my back and hip problem so I could barely move for almost three more weeks, and during that time I had no choice but to sit around and of course eat more than I should have. Urrgh! So Sid and I have been talking about going on a fast- to tell the truth I'm a bit nervous about it, but I really do need to do something. Don't think I could manage more than a day or two at a time, but we'll give it a try. But I do still need to get back to eating less and exercising more.
However, it's also meant to be holiday time, so am determined to do some enjoyable things too and try not to worry too much. 
But, it's tea time now, so my caffeine fix is calling me...see yous all later!

Grumpy Slumping kind-of day!

Feels like another 'down' day today- but it's partly reactive, as the weather is very dull and overcast which does affect my mood, plus my 'silver' apostle spoons turned out to be electro plated and worth about £7 as opposed to £170! Gah!
Busking on Sunday was enjoyable again but earned me even less than last time! Not sure I'll be doing it again anytime soon, but I have learnt a lot and discovered that I do really still enjoy performing if I don't have any stress around it. I had some lovely compliments- including a proposition by email!!Lita and Roy Aylmer happened to come by and as Roy had his camera he took some great photos of me- so that was a bonus.
Yesterday turned out to be a little bit busy with a visit to my lovely homeopath in the morning, and short promo performance at Lifeways for an open day for Parkinson's sufferers in the afternoon. But the best part of the day was seeing my friend C looking so well when I went to visit her afterwards. She has been having radiotherapy and I've been going over regularly to give moral support and give her some Reiki. It's been doubly good because not only do I get to see my pal more regularly, but it's feeling really great to be using Reiki for something purposeful and other than for myself. You can't predict where the Reiki will go or what effect it will have, but it's benevolent and lovely and it feels great to be using it to help someone.
But today is feeling like another 'stuck' day. The homeopath has given me a kick-up-the-bum remedy which I  am currently taking so I'm hoping for an improvement tomorrow. Sid and I reserved these next two weeks as 'holiday' time with a plan to do a few things together, and although that's usually a good thing, I don't feel like doing anything today and would rather slump grumpily on the sofa and wait for my bad mood to pass. But having Sid around means I can't do that for long...grrrr. Words could be exchanged later.....! Just leave me alone to slink off into the corner and feel sorry for myself! Sometimes you just have to go with the feeling , knowing it will pass eventually. But it's not permanent, so don't worry folks. Just being my usual melodramatic self!
Time to exit stage left I think..........

Subtle Shifting...

Am now having serious problems with my computer! I'm writing this using Sid's computer as he is out playing Robin Hood (and no it hasn't got soo bad that he's stealing from the rich to give to the poor -us!!It's archery in case you wondered). Sid has tried all sorts of tricks to get the computer going to no avail, and he's very tenacious, so sadly this probably means some official repairs are needed. As I use my computer so much for work this has serious implications as I can't access all my photos, fliers or email addresses. I am managing some basic word processing on Sid's computer but for anything more complicated I'm stuck! So am waiting for Mel to get back off holiday for him to have a look before taking any further action.
A very good piece of news is that I sold my Clarice Cliffe sugar shaker for a very good sum yesterday! I was sorry to see it go but in truth it had been sitting gathering dust in the china cabinet for years- and I need the dosh! Excited by the experience Sid and I have now been feverishly scouring the house or further hidden treasures. I have feeling that that was probably one of very few items of any value but you never know...I've got various odds and ends I inherited when my parents died, and even if they only fetch a few quid then it all helps. I also feel as if it's a gesture towards clearing the house of junk with a view to eventually downsizing in the next few years.
I've also been scouring the papers for any likely jobs with no success, either, but at least I'm showing willing by putting some energy into it. After feeling so down the other day I sent some Reiki to the situation and also did a bit of 'left hand/stream of conciousness/automatic' writing too, and it feels as if something has subtlely shifted. Must not lose momentum- need to fit some more in. Discipline needed!
I've also decided to give the busking another go. This time I have just two half hour spots and one is in Henley Street (prime spot!). It's also a Sunday this time, so all I need now to help me is the weather and many generous appreciative people!
Could waffle on for longer, but time is getting on and I need to go and buy a birthday card and do some preparation for the radio show today, so will wave goodbye until the next time.....Toodle Pip Boys and Girls!

Struggling with myself....

Am having very difficult day today- or rather it has been so far-there is still time for it to improve! I've been having problems with my computer refusing to open or opening and then crashing and though Sid has spent quite a lot of time on it he says he is running out of options. This probably means sending it to computer hospital, which has all sorts of implications that don't bear thinking about. So, earlier, trying not to be daunted, I got together my china pieces to sell, along with some jewellery samples to show a shop in Stratford (also to meet Peter re some radio show stuff) and set off in the car. Coming out of the drive the car made a ghastly noise and seemed to list to the right.I drew into the next turning opposite the house  and discovered that I had a completely flat front tyre. So flat, in fact that I couldn't get it pumped up with my footpump. Had to throw myself on the mercies of our marvellous and trusty repair man, Tim, and he agreed to come out and take a look at it ASAP. So that put paid to my trip to Stratford, at least for today! So I now have the prospect of no computer and a possible bill to repair it, and no car and a possible bill for that too...and to add insult to injury (yes, really- INJURY!), my hip and back seems a bit worse again today (probably due to the short walk we did yesterday).Unsurprisingly I am feeling very down and fed up. I feel as if every attempt I make to try and improve things/earn money/get a job, is being thwarted at every turn! I'm feeling a bit trapped and don't know which way to go.
The computer has all my files on it not to mention all my email contacts, and although I can do a limited amount on Sid's laptop, it means I can't organise or prepare anything for classes or the souk- it could be very serious if I can't get it fixed pronto. BUT I just don't have any money to pay for any of this!
Just before I started writing I read my previous blog and I reckon I should be listening to myself more- I was writing about the need for change and how it should start with yourself. I'm not taking my own advice! Peter reckons that I'm due for a kind of spiritual 'clearout', and I'm inclined to agree. I feel as if I'm being backed into a corner so I have no choice but to go within and consult with my higher self. I do have a sense of having to let go of certain ways of doing things, and needing to change my mind set...but that can be very hard. But it doesn't look as if I have any choice!
All I can say for now is....watch this space!

Time for Change?

Felt really emotional all day yesterday and for anyone who knows me that's not a good thing! I'm a bit of a drama queen and can get a bit OTT and dramatic, and tiredness just amplifies it. But, although I'm feeling a lot more centred and calm today, the problems are still there. The trick is how I decide to deal with them.
I do take the view that I (and anyone else) am capable of changing my world simply by thinking it into being, but we all have so many inbuilt or learned behaviours that it can be very hard to work out how we are sabotageing ourselves or preventing ourselves from fulfilling our greatest potential! I know I have potential power, but am trying to wrestle with the reasons I'm not allowing it into being. I think we British have such inbuilt reserve that we feel we can't allow our true power out in case we are seen as brash, or boastful or unpopular etc...or is that just me?!! BUT we can be powerful, it's just how we manifest it in the world- we've all met those who use power badly and harm others in the process, but we don't have to follow those models or fear we will make the same mistakes! I try to refer back to my inner guide or higher self, (although that can be quite tricky as sometimes it whispers very quietly!), and if I truly act on that inner message, I can be powerful and centred in a way that has integrity and truth in it. But I make mistakes, and sometimes my ego gets in the way and insists I do what IT wants- I'm learning like everyone else! I believe though, that we now have the opportunity to change the old ways of doing things, and learn new behaviour. 2012 is a pointer to the potential for changing the world and discarding the old systems and ways of behaving that we humans have been involved in for millennia. It seems to me that the message is that the old ways aren't working anymore, and in fact are having an adverse effect on ourselves and the world...and the best place to start change is yourself!