Following on from a busy weekend and too much ginger wine last night, I got out of bed in a very grumpy state of mind this morning. A combination of tiredness and alcohol and not enough 'me' time and I was a very unhappy Vally. I briefly considered not going to Tai Chi this morning as I really was in the mood for wallowing in self pity and self righteousness, but I went anyway, and am glad I did as I'm in a much better frame of mind now! Better for me and better for the world!
It all started on Friday afternoon with the radio show, then home briefly before going back out for a Shuvani meet up, then back home to a quick supper before a late visit to the pub (Fridays are set aside usually as our evening out together and a chance to chat)- late to bed- even for me! And it was hard work getting up early enough to meet my sisters at Batsford Arboretum to celebrate youngest sisters birthday-lovely weather, great company and gorgeous surroundings. Then back home to get ready to go to Loreley Rice's hafla in Abingdon, then very late night again, and up again Sunday for a Miramar rehearsal at 10.00am (should have arranged this better!).Not finished yet...off to Stratford for The Buzz Cafe 1st birthday party, then afterwards helping Peter with some shed clearing at Lifeways. Had had enough after a couple of hours, so back home for a TV fest of Strictly, Downton Abbey and the Fades....hence the ginger wine! Looking back over that lot no wonder I was feeling grumpy!! Think I need a rest!
Can't quite believe how quickly the autumn has appeared and it's also almost half term! I feel as if everything is running away from me and I'm trying to keep up! I'm considering whether I need to set up a workshop between now and Xmas. I don't want to get too bogged down with lots of bookings, but as my job prospects aren't very encouraging, I need to continue creating my own work instead. Need to also get going on my promotional stuff, as this might generate some more business.
While watching the performers on Saturday night I contemplated how I am currently with performing myself. Am still going through a bit of a funny phase, but I've realised that while I still love performing, I really enjoy doing it on my own, and especially in a non-judgemental environment - like the general public. I've had problems with self confidence since a child, and find any kind of criticism hard to take, so although most belly dance events are full of supportive friends and teachers, I still feel like I am being judged. Think I'm overly sensitive, but performing in that situation is quite stressful. I feel it's part of my job as a teacher to perform with and for the students, but I have to confess to often finding it hard work- and that's purely my own stuff- not anyone elses! And getting older means I have to adjust to being an older dancer! I've never had a problem showing off vast areas of my body in the past, but recently I've been mortified to see lots of wobbly, overhanging bits, and although losing weight will help with that, I have to accept that my body is different now to what it was 10 or 15 years ago. And that I can't dance in the same way as I did when I started...knees and hips won't allow quite so much energetic leaping around. I still get immense joy from dancing, and I'm an entertainer at heart, so combining those two together is my ideal, but finding the right setting to do that is tricky. I'm wondering if my values and ideas around this are shifting- not sure I'm satisfied with doing it the same way anymore, but equally not sure where I'm going with it all. Hmmmmmm.
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